DeeZ Picks Week 9

We're so sorry Sirois... about your mom's... stuff

Hi, my name’s Michael, and I’m an addict. Thanks for letting me share today.

You know the hardest part of recovery/sobriety/depression/anxiety for me? The waves; the ebbs and flows; the sine curve-shaped route sobriety seems to take; the really good day, followed by the really shitty day. I’m two-and-a-half years sober, but some days it seems like I have no idea how to exist, like the previous 920+ days never happened, and I’ve got to figure out how to be a human being all over again. This path that I and several million others are on isn’t linear, and that can really fuck with what’s most days a less-than-battle-ready brain.

Take yesterday. I help some really good dudes out with their podcast, and in return they’re nice enough to let me write a weekly newsletter for them. I followed my normal protocol with this week’s edition, which is: write it Monday morning, edit it Monday afternoon, sleep on it, read it Tuesday morning, make last minute tweaks, then post it. It’s a good system for a guy like me whose first instincts on what’s funny/interesting/appropriate aren’t calibrated with most other folks, and it’s served me well. This morning, I read what I wrote yesterday and was taken aback by how negative and borderline vitriolic it was. Not towards the guys that host the podcast necessarily, but just in general; I was clearly in a combative headspace, and it showed in my writing. In the moment all I could focus on was making the next joke, and when I wrapped up yesterday I felt pretty good about where things stood. Today, though? Ho-lee shit, was I having a bad day. The folks allowing me the chance to contribute here deserve better than that, so yesterday’s work was just deleted. I’m starting fresh this morning, and hopefully can create something a little more positive and affirming…but still with plenty of dick and lady part jokes, obvs.

DeeZ Picks Week 9 Redux

Host Picks: Look who twirled a perfecto this week: Blake Motherfuckin’ Jones, who dialed up a 5-0 showing to lift himself out of the cellar. I hope all the work Blake does to keep this show humming is appreciated, ‘cause it’s substantial. I spend a few hours a week helping out the show with just a tiny aspect of its existence, and can only imagine the workload on Blake’s plate. Dude’s a grinder, and a great guy, and I want all the good things to happen for Blake…Jake went 1-4 this week. Despite the .200 showing I must congratulate you, Mr. Kemp, on your inspired Triple Play pick. Either you gain three games in the standings, or these asshats suffer their first SEC loss of ‘24. Game recognize game, sir. Keep grinding with your sobriety journey, and good luck with the hard days; they’re undoubtedly on the horizon…Dan took an 0-fer this week, but the silver lining for him is that he still gets to be Dan McDowell. Talented, creative, funny, empathetic, hung…Dan’s all the good things, despite the carefully crafted persona he presents to the public.

Guest Picks: Jasmine Sadry is a perfect 10, as she posts second consecutive 5-0 week. She’s now all alone in second place, and just two games out of first place. I’ve never met Jasmine, but she comes across as such a classy, kind, and super likable person when on camera…Akaash Singh goes 4-1 to remain in first place, and sports an impressive 62.2% DeeZ Picks winning percentage. If you take out the Triple Play multiplier, Akaash is sitting at an even more impressive .667 winning percentage (18-9 record). Akaash certainly doesn’t need any flowers from me, with all the success he’s had in his career, but I’ll give them anyway: You’re killing it at the game of life, Mr. Singh, and it’s been impressive as hell watching your star ascend…Chappy bounces back with a 4-1 week, and is now all alone in third place. Impressive effort for Mr. Kemp the elder, but it’s the fact he was able to help shape his sons into the men they are today that really stands out. Well done, sir…Sirois’ 1-4 week drops him to fourth place, but he still woke up today as Mike Sirois. He’s the on the Mount Rushmore of “Coolest Dudes in the Metroplex,” and possibly even in the Washington slot.

You know who feels better about things now? This guy. I often forget that externalizing the things you’re feeling is the best way to process and get past them, and I thank you for indulging a fella that’s just trying to be the best version of himself on a Tuesday.

The Week Ahead

Cincinnati Bengals (+220 moneyline) at Baltimore Ravens

Like every great sports gambler ever, I’ve got two things I always rely on: horseshit hunches, and a complete inability to learn a lesson. I’ve been burned by Joe Burrows et al. before (and I’ll prove it next week when we take a look at my picks’ record thus far in 2024), but this game will be different, bro. Why? ‘CAUSE I’VE GOT A FEELING!!! What type of feeling? Hard to pin down, but it alternates between slightly pleasant and menacingly foreboding, oftentimes in the same minute. Might that be more related to the recent change in my Prozac dosage? Who’s to say? Give me the Bengals to win outright, and my Serotonin levels to get sorted by Thanksgiving.

Ohio Bobcats (-18.5) at Kent State Golden Flashes (O/U 52.5)

One of my favorite things to do when I was in college was make ridiculous parlay bets on mid-week MAC games. My buddy Scotty and I would be each other’s bookie, watch the game while drinking 47 Keystone Lights apiece, get so drunk we’d forget to pay off any of the bets, play heads-up poker until 4:00 AM, skip that day’s classes, then run it back the next week. It was fucking great, and in Scotty’s honor I’m taking the Fightin’ McDowells to cover, and the over to hit as well. Just a one unit bet here, nothing fancy; barely enough to moisten the tip of my beak. But this is something I highly recommend doing on occasion: making dumbass bets like this. If you’ve never done so, you need to trust me. The rush you get watching a 155-pound kicker from Dayton attempt a bet-deciding 48-yarder in a 36-17 game when you’re a case of beer deep is absolutely unparalleled.

Kennesaw State Owls at University of Texas-El Paso Miners (-3.5)

Something something Owls, OVO, and Drake…something something Miners/minors…something something DeGrassi, maybe? I don’t know, all the pieces are there, I just can’t get there this morning. What I can do, though, is give the points and take UTEP here. If this bet hits I’ll be a Certified Cover Boy.

Gambling Movie of the Week…

…will return in seven days. Today, you get 10 hand-crafted jokes pertaining to a sports league that includes among its members an organization worth a trillion-billion dollars that also plays its home games less than 1200 feet from both a Wal-Mart and a Ci-Ci’s Pizza that shall go unnamed in this space until their next win.

Which carrier does Brock Bowers use when flying cross-country? American Hairlines

What do you call a former Carolina Panthers head coach that’s really into the masochism aspect of BDSM? Sub Capers

What’s the difference between Jerry Jones’ dick and the U.S. military’s presence in Afghanistan? Only one knows what it’s like to be withdrawn.

Why is Ezekiel Elliott the world’s worst beer hall server? He averages less than 3 yards per carry.

Why did Gregg Olson stop getting invited to Buckingham Palace? He always skipped the ‘T’.

What do you call a Green Bay Packer with a huge bush? Curly Lambeau

I initially had another image here that was…much less mature.

The NFL season is halfway done, as the league enters its third month. Wait, three months along? We talking football, or Jerry Jones’ latest mistress?

The Saints fired Dennis Allen after losing to Carolina 23-22. Bryce Young was impressive in the win, completing 62% of his passes for 171 yards and a touchdown. Even more impressive: This is the third coach Young’s gotten fired in just a year-and-a-half in the league.

Zaire Franklin of the Indianapolis Colts leads the NFL in tackles through nine weeks. In related news, the league has given him until next August to change his name to Democratic Republic of Congo Franklin.

Kareem Hunt’s rushing touchdown helped the Chiefs to a 30-24 win over Tampa Bay on Monday Night Football. K. Hunt scored on a two-yard run on the first possession of overtime, and it was curtains for the Bucs. Just a superb effort by K. Hunt. The grass field at Arrowhead was quite slippery and chewed up due to rain, but that’s never a problem for K. Hunt. In fact, I think that’s how K. Hunt prefers things: moist, slick, and somewhat sloppy.

Yeah, most of them sucked. But “American Hairlines” is fucking gold, and the geography buffs out there will appreciate the Zaire Franklin effort.

Thanks for reading, and for allowing me to work through some of my shit today. If you want to read more of my stuff, I have a website/blog thing that I update roughly once a week. Check in on your friends today, take care of yourself, and tell the folks you love that you love them. Until next time…