You remember hearing in church about how Christians would be killed by and eaten by lions back in ancient Rome, as part of some deranged form of entertainment? Sure ya do, it’s a huge part of the story and mythology of Christianity. You know that’s total horseshit, right? Yeah, never happened. Turns out it wasn’t Christians that were slaughtered by the lions, but hornt up wildcatters from Arkansas, lame duck head coaches, and $90 million quarterback/receiver combos. Heaviest of sighs…
Welcome, friendos. It's another “The Cowboys once again shit the bed at home” Monday, and I’m DZ subscriber #3695 back with the latest installment of “Vigorish Exercise.” This is where I dissect the most recent round of DeeZ Picks, lose you some money with some transcendingly subpar picks of my own, and recommend a gambling movie. You’ll get a bonus feature today, as well: “Life Lessons from an Idiot.” Today’s lesson? Learn from my mistakes, ladies and gentlemen. On the infinitesimally remote chance you ever have to say the name of this Dumb Zone newsletter out loud, and you’re also a suburban white guy, please stress the hell out of the “v.”
DeeZ Picks Week 6 Redux
Host Picks: Blake bounces back from last week’s 0-fer with a 4-1 week and is now up to a 40% hit rate for the season. He’s still batting .000 with his Cowboys’ picks, though, and I’m starting to think he’s just trolling us. In fact, while recently using some long-range audio surveillance equipment to help safeguard the Jones’ estate, I heard him breathlessly tell his wife, “I hope this Cowgirl streak I’m on never reverses.” Pretty iron-clad evidence that Blake is doing bits here…Jake also went 4-1, but the ‘Boys fourth straight back-alley coat hanger job at AT&T Stadium prevented him from perfection. Jake, welcome to the hardest part of sobriety/recovery: Being a die-hard Cowboys’ fan. In the 900-plus days since I last drank or used drugs, I’ve been to weddings, conventions, open bars, pool parties, golf tournaments, poker rooms, get-togethers with friends, and various other locales/scenarios in which it would have been incredibly easy to take a drink. The situation that makes me the most desperate (by far) for a mind-altering substance, however, is consuming Dallas Cowboys’ football. I’d like to be able to tell you that this particular part of sobriety gets easier after the first embarrassing ‘Boys loss, Mr. Kemp, but rigorous honesty and all…Dan goes 2-3, and ended up a point away from a 5-0 week, but is still in last place in the league after Washington’s seven-point loss to Baltimore. The good news for Dan? He won big money betting over “17.5 horrifyingly transphobic Donald Trump campaign ads shown during Commanders/Ravens,” so silver linings and all…
Guest Picks: Jasmine Sadry remains on a heater by posting her first 5-0 week. Jasmine had to sweat her lock pick of Wazoo (-3.5), though, as the Cougs needed a late pick-six to both win and cover. Hold on a second. Jasmine Sadry…sweat…Cougars…listen, I’m not saying it’s wrong to take those elements and craft them into a solid B- joke, I’m just saying that I’m not the guy to do that; it’s not happening. And no, it’s not because it’d be unsavory, or disrespectful, or anything like that. It’s just that…well, I turned 43 a few weeks ago; I’m way too old for the job…Mike Sirois also posts a perfect 5-0 week on the strength of the Bears’ blowout of Jacksonville at Tottenham Hotspur Stadium in London. Did you watch any of this game? Things are not great for Doug Pederson and the Jags right now. In fact, there’s a hot rumor circulating that if they lose to the Pats Sunday, they’ll be relegated to the Atlantic Sun Conference (thank you for reading my contribution to the #OverWorkedTwitterJokeOfTheWeek zeitgeist)…Chappy posts another strong week, finishing 4-1 after Cincinnati covers Sunday night against the NY Giants. No matter how bad shit has gotten for us Cowboys’ fans over the years, at least we don’t root for the Giants. Yes, let’s take a moment and give thanks that we don’t root for the team that’s won multiple Super Bowls in the last 20 years…the team that’s been to three NFC Championship games this century…the team’s that’s paying its overpriced quarterback $20 million a year less than we are…the team that doesn’t have an octogenarian owner skeeting into every fertile glory hole in Dallas and Collin counties… Awwww, goddamnit. Giants’ fans have it better than us, don’t they?...With the Bills’ three-point win Monday night, Akaash Singh goes 5-0 to remain in first place. The bigger news for him, though, is that he got to interview Donald Trump last week. What, did no one at Flagrant have contact info for DeShaun Watson’s agent? Trevor Bauer unavailable? Was Larry Nassar in solitary all week?
The Week Ahead
Dallas Cowboys vs. Bye Week (-17.5)
Mike McCarthy teams have typically been pretty solid against Bye Week, but this 2024 Dallas squad is different, and not in a good way. Bye Week should have no problem having their way with what’s turning into a comically bad Cowboys’ offensive line, and Bye Week’s ground game will likely chew up yards against a Dallas defense starting multiple guys who’ll receive a W2 from Arby’s next tax season. I’ll give the points and take Bye Week in what will likely be another Metroplex-based embarrassment for the ‘Boys.
Houston Texans at Green Bay Packers (-2.5)
The Cowboy experience has been so shitty recently that I’m seriously considering shifting allegiances to the other Texas-based team. Can you imagine the joy in getting to watch and root for C.J. Stroud every week? They’ve also got a dude who’s gonna have a ton of success as an NFL head coach for a long time in DeMeco Ryans, and even have some cool(ish) new uniforms. There’s very little downside to being a Texans’ fan right now. The reason why I won’t make the switch? ‘Cause they’re based in fucking Houston, a/k/a The Taint of Texas. Actually, no, that’s not quite right. You know those little bumps on your taint? They just kind of sit there, but sometimes they’ll get irritated? That’s Houston. Give me the points and the Possibly Irritated Taint Bumps.
Philadelphia Eagles (-3.5) at New York Giants
What kind of fucked up Multiversal scenario are we living in right now? The kind in which the Washington Commanders have by far the best vibes of any NFC East team. The Cowboys are a train wreck of a Dumpster fire of a shit show, the Giants employ Daniel Jones as their quarterback, and the Eagles are a fucking mess. Jalen Hurts seems like the kind of dude that would have his agent organize a team trip to Top Golf, show up 45 minutes late, then ask everybody to chip in when the bill comes even though he makes roughly $3 million per game. And Nick Sirianni? Dude is clearly losing his mind, as he once again got into it with some Philly fans after the Eagles’ ugly home win Sunday over Cleveland. Nick, bro: You’ve gotta stop chirping at the locals. They’re legit batshit crazy, and if you’re not careful Geno’s will soon be offering up a Dead Coach Cheesesteak. Give me the Eagles here.
Georgia Bulldogs at Texas Longhorns (-4)
How well is the Steve Sarkisian Era going in Austin? Texas is not only 6-0 after motorboating OU last week, but are also four-point favorites against the program that’s won two of the last three Natties. Quinn Ewers seems to have a knack for playing his best ball in big games, the uber-explosive 18-year-old Ryan Wingo is starting to be a bigger part of the throw game, and the Texas defense has a couple of legit NFL prospects in Metroplex kids Anthony Hill, Jr. (Denton Ryan) and true freshman Colin Simmons (Duncanville). Y’know what? Fuck it. I just talked myself into it. I’m grabbing this game by the ‘Horns.
Baylor Bears at Texas Tech Red Raiders (-6.5)
You remember the Big XII, right? It was a big deal for a minute. Well, as it turns out, it still exists. Yeah, no shit; their games are on TV and everything. I know, I was quite surprised to learn that as well. Give me the points and the Brazos Baptists in this one.
Gambling Movie of the Week: Eight Men Out
Baseball, gambling, and the Roarin’ Twenties. The fuck else do you need from a movie? It’s also got John Cusack, Christopher Lloyd, Charlie Sheen, Michael Rooker, and the fat prison guard from “Cool Hand Luke” playing Chuck Comiskey. “Eight Men Out” is objectively spectacular, and any argument to the contrary is pure folly.
Time for me to tip on out. I’ve got a real job that apparently needs my attention, plus I got a hot tip there’s a bookie in town offering +250 odds on the Stephens Middle School money line tonight. Against Clark, with all those injuries? There’s a sucker born every minute, folks.
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