DeeZ Picks: Week 4
Sirois reports live from a hurricane
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Greetings, fellow degenerates, it’s Dumb Zone subscriber #3695 back with another edition of “Vigorish Exercise.” I sincerely hope you hit a few bets last week, as I’m typing this from a detention center near Wiley, Texas, and could use some bail money. $10,000, to be exact. Can you believe that? Five figs for a “stalking” charge. Bullshit.
I digress. DeeZ Picks has reached the quarter-ish mark, so we’ll look at last week’s results, as well as a quick look at the overall standings now that the NFL is 22.22% of the way through its schedule (spoiler: our hosts are struggling). And, as always, I’ll offer up some breathtakingly pedestrian picks for some of this weekend’s game, as well as a movie. Let’s dance…
DeeZ Picks Week 4 Redux
Host Picks: Tough week for our esteemed triumvirate of truthers, as each of them goes 1-4. Jake, who’s due back from his SpaceX rescue mission of the Starliner astronauts any day now, needed Joe Flacco’s latest heroics in the Colts’ win over the Steelers to avoid the bagel this week. Wow, I just realized I’d never typed out “Joe Flacco” before, and that there are consecutive c’s in his name. Interesting. When Anthony Richardson got hurt Sunday, you think Shane Steichen yelled into the headset, “I need two CCs of ultra conservative quarterback play and carefully manicured stubble, STAT?” No? Well, goddamnit, he should have. Jake also comes up empty on his lock, as Big XII stalwart Arizona goes into Salt Lake City and dominates the Utah Utes 23-10. The last time there was a soaking like that in the Beehive State was probably, well, today. Like, literally just a few moments ago, as almost half of BYU alums live in-state after graduation…Blake dodges an 0-5 week with a Houston Texans win Sunday, but I’d like to say something, Mr. Jones: I’m onto you. He’s a noted TCU guy, and his Kansas lock selection screams, “I’m putting actual money on the Frogs to cover, so I’ll take the Jayhawks in DeeZ Picks.” You’re certainly not the first to dial up that particular gambling play, Blake, but you’re damn sure the handsomest…Dan was so close to a 5-0 week, or at worst a 1-0-4 week, as his Cowboys (-6) pick and Saints (+1) pick each miss by a single point. Gambling can be a heartless bitch sometimes, and I swear I’d quit doing it if it weren’t the greatest thing ever created…
Guest Picks: Akaash Singh posts his second consecutive 5-0 week. Sigh. This dude not only gets to be Akaash Singh every day, but he’s also crushing his picks? Life is most assuredly not fair. About the only thing that went wrong for Akaash this weekend was the Austin College ‘Roos losing to McMurry 34-9 at home. Motherfucker probably had War Hawks (-24.5)…Mike Sirois sidestepped a hurricane, as well as the delivery of his mom’s newest pair of Never Surrender High Tops, on his way to a 5-0 week. His lock pick was once again money, as Notre Dame survived Louisville’s comeback attempt in South Bend. Congratulations are in order to the Fighting Irish, as they become the first bunch of Catholic kids to successfully fend off a group of cardinals…Chappy continues to post winners, going 3-2 with his inspired pick of Sam Darnold and the Vikings (+3), although the Pack made him sweat with a 22-point 4th quarter. It was too-little too-late for Jordan Love, though, as he threw three INTs for Green Bay. He also sent zero unsolicited dick pics, and didn’t retweet a single Holocaust denier. You’ll never win a ring putting up those kinds of numbers in the Dairy State, kid…Jasmine joins our hosts on the 1-4 train, as her lock pick of Steelers (-1) falls just short. Jasmine, some might say that’s a bad pick. They might say that you should rarely give points on the road. They might say that backing Justin Fields is akin to smoking blunts rolled with $1000 bills. They might even say Mike Tomlin-led teams have covered less than 40% of the time as road favorites in intra-conference games. Actually, wait. Hold on a sec. One moment. I’m sorry, Jasmine, I’m now being told there’s no “might” to any of those statements. Folks are definitely saying that shit…
DeeZ Picks Standings Through Four Weeks
Sirois: 14-6 (70%)
Akaash: 13-7 (65%)
Chappy: 12-8 (60%)
Blake: 8-12 (40%)
Jasmine: 7-13 (35%)
Dan: 6-14 (30%)
Jake: 5-15 (25%)
All three hosts are well under .500 and have a combined record of 19-41. 19 out of 60 is great if you’re a hitter (.316 batting average), but for a cumulative record in a picks league in which you literally make the rules? We need better, gentleman. Maybe let Brooks and Nora make the picks? Ooh, or Jake’s dog. That tumor’s gotta be worth at least a 40% hit rate…Here’s your reminder that there’s plenty of time left this season. Akaash was in last place two weeks ago and is now just one game out of first. Your fortunes can turn quickly, and all it’ll take for Dan/Jake/Blake to get back in the mix is a couple locks hitting. Easy peasy. Well, unless they continue to insist on picking overrated Big XII home favorites. Then it’s real fuckin’ hard…Sirois, Akaash, and Chappy are on the medal stand four weeks in. Who do you think wins in a brawl between those three? I’m setting Chappy as the favorite at (+170); there’s no way he fights fair, right?
The Week Ahead
Dallas Cowboys at Pittsburgh Steelers (O/U 42.5): You remember the last time these teams played in the Keystone State? November 13th, 2016. Eight years ago. Dak and Zeke were rookies. 40% of the ‘Boys current starting O-line were in middle school. Cowboys 35, Steelers 30. Zeke scored three touchdowns on the day (including two in the last two minutes of the game) and averaged 5.4 yards a carry (6.3 more than his 2024 average) in a crazy-ass game from Heinz Field. Dak was lights out (319 yards, two touchdowns, no picks), and Dez put up a 6 for 116 line with a touchdown. Even Cole Beasley balled out, notching 14 receptions for 88 yards. Check that, he had five catches for 33 yards; those other numbers are for a different thing he does. I think the pendulum swings back the other way for this one, so I’m hammering the under.
Texas State (-14) at Troy: I’m a big fan of ‘Cats head coach GJ Kinne, and not just ‘cause his dad got shot that one time, but two touchdown favorites on the road? Give me Troy and the points, especially coming off Texas State’s epic collapse against Sam Houston State. Plus, you know what most Texas State students do when confronted with Trojans, right? They rarely cover.
Indianapolis Colts at Jacksonville Jaguars (-2.5): I’m making a rare parlay pick here, as I’m packaging the Colts to win outright, Doug Pederson to get fired next week, and Trevor Lawrence’s Honda Odyssey to break down on the way to the Felinas de Fútbol Tuesday practice.
Michigan Wolverines at Washington Huskies (-3): Grunge music…the Space Needle…Puget Sound…Mount Rainier...Bainbridge Island…Pike’s Place Market…there’s just no way Michigan can overcome all of those classic and iconic Big 10/Midwest staples. I’m giving the points and taking the Huskies.
Gambling Movie of the Week: “Rounders”
Yes, it’s a bit of a cliché pick. And yes, you’ve likely seen it dozens of times. But there are so many reasons why “Rounders” is a top 10 gambling movie of all time. The way Ed Norton makes you want to root for Worm, while simultaneously wanting to stab him; Matt Damon solidifying himself as a bona fide movie star; John Malkovich’s Russian accent that makes Julianne Moore on “30 Rock” sound like goddamn Paul Revere; Famke Janssen’s ass; Mike’s nines full getting cracked at the start of the movie, something everyone that’s played casino/card room poker can relate to; the way John Turturro delivers the line, “The fuck out of here. I wanna blow job from Christy Turlington.”
But here’s my favorite part of “Rounders:” It’s towards the end, when Mike is playing $20/$40 stud with the cops in Binghamton. He’s up huge, with more than enough to pay back Grama and KGB sitting in front of him, when he hears the words, “Holy shit, that’s a hell of an elk.” That’s a hilarious combination of words in and of itself, but watch the look on Mike’s face when he hears them. He knows that it’s a mortal lock that Worm is gonna do Worm things, meaning they’re both likely to end up not only broke, but with their asses whipped. Which is, of course, exactly what happened. Although I do have to agree with Worm on one thing from this scene: Mike should have definitely played those trip cowboys…
I’m out, as typing 1500 words about gambling has made me want to lay five units on my son’s little league game tonight relax for a while. If you like what you’ve read here, you can read more of my stuff at my website. If you don’t like what you’ve read, then can you come hate read the site for a minute? Please? Just once? I only need three more unique visitors and I can get 40% off a GoDaddy quarter zip.
I’d say good luck, but I know it’s not about luck in your game…
i want audio. or video. or anything.