DeeZ Picks Week 14

With Chappy, Jasmine, Sirois, and Akaash Singh

Hello, fellow degenerates, it’s Dumb Zone Subscriber #3695 back with a holiday edition of “Vigorish Exercise,” a DeeZ Pick companion newsletter that tracks the standings of our favorite podcast’s weekly segments. This will likely be the final installment of this newsletter until after January 1^st, as a local judge was kind enough to allow me to serve the remainder of my sentence in the back half of December. Which, I mean, yeah…it does kinda suck for my wife and kids, and my parents, and my bookie. But for me? It’s great. I don’t have to see any of my in-laws for three weeks, I can take naps whenever I want, and apparently the guy making book at the Irving City jail is offering (-104) juice for the remainder of the year. In other words…can I go early? If I didn’t have to pay a $7500 fine, the felony trespassing I was accused of committing at the Constellation Club would be the best gift I’ve ever given myself.

DeeZ Picks Week 14 Redux

Host Picks: Look who’s climbing up the standings, folks. Dan, a/k/a The Mayor of Majora, goes 5-0 on the strength of the Ohio Bobcats’ big win the MAC Championship and is now officially in fourth place, as well as within skeeting distance of first. He was in sole possession of last place just four weeks ago but has since gone 18-2; quite the reacharound for Mr. McDowell in the last month. There’s even a non-zero chance that Dan is tied for first place after next week…Blake goes 4-1 and creates some separation between him and Jake, and also finds himself just two games behind fourth-place Chappy. He’s managed to climb back above .500 for the first time since Week 1 as well, so things are trending up for Mr. Jones as we head into the stretch run…Jake goes 1-4, and there’s now has a five-game cushion between him and the rest of the league for last place. What tripped up Jake this week was a pair of loyalty picks (Cowboys and Tulane), and I gotta tell you, Mr. Kemp: I respect the shit out of it. Ride or die, bro. My brother played tight end/H-back at the Division II level and were I in a picks league I’d hammer his school every time. Like a wise man once said: “I ain’t got friends, I got family.”

Guest Picks: A week after going a combined 20-0, our guest pickers come back to Earth this week. Akaash, Jasmine, and Sirois all go 2-3, allowing Akaash to maintain his one-game lead on Jasmine and two-game lead on Sirois. Chappy goes 1-4, and is now as close to last place as he is first place (seven games).

The Week Ahead

Navy Midshipmen at Army Black Knights (-6.5; game played at Northwest Stadium in Landover, MD)

Army’s gonna wax Navy like they’re the curtains of an Auburn Tri Delt, that much we can all agree on. You know what else we can agree on? We need Air Force versus Space Force this weekend, as well. I’ve beat this drum before, but seriously: Whom do we need to petition to make this happen? The game could be played at Mile High in Denver (closest U.S. stadium to the moon!). One of Buzz Aldrin’s grandkids could take a ceremonial shot of Tang before kickoff. The winner of the game could receive the Michael Collins Trophy, mainly so millions would ask, “Who the fuck is Michael Collins?” But, most importantly…think of the wordplay that would be at the disposal of the announcers. “Armstrong for Space Force once again goes in orbit motion.” “Touchdown Space Force! I just saw Aurora Scorealis!” “As is tradition here at Air Force/Space Force, there are multiple coeds streaking across the field and holy shit, Todd, look at those celestial bodies!”

Dallas Cowboys at Carolina Panthers (-1.5)

The Cowboys are technically still in the mix to make the playoffs, even though their odds of doing so are slimmer than the likelihood Jerry doesn’t blast any eggnog onto the pool table at the Star’s annual Christmas party, so I’ll pick their game this week. Bryce Young seems to be on his way to figuring some things out, and he damn near went to Philly last week and pulled the upset. I’m picking the Panthers to cover, but in all honesty, I have no feel for this game. I’m picking it ‘cause it’s part of my weekly schedule at this point, along with hate-watching the ‘Boys on Sundays, “accidentally” taking too much Prozac on Mondays, crying myself to sleep on Tuesdays, researching “how to fake my own death” on Wednesdays, stress eating four king size Kit-Kats on Thursdays, avoiding all human contact on Fridays, and taking the kids to the park on Saturdays. You gotta have a routine, man.

Kansas City Chiefs at Cleveland Browns (+4)

As a society we’re definitely over-Snoop Dogged, but are we over-Patrick Mahomed at this point? Dude is everywhere and, while I’m happy he’s been able to parlay his success into massive paydays off the field, I think we’re past the saturation point. I don’t know, just spitballing. As far as KC’s game Sunday, the classic, old-school, contrarian play here would be to bang the Browns’ moneyline, but at just (+180), I don’t know if the juice is worth the squeeze. Give the CLE and the points, and over 9.5 Patty Mahomes iPhone commercials shown in the first half.

Buffalo Bills at Detroit Lions (-2)

This Sunday we have an official “The Big Boys are Playing at 3:30, Motherfuckers” game, and I couldn’t be more excited about it. Josh Allen is a goddamn cheat code of an alien of a quarterbacking cyborg, and yet another reminder that literally nobody in a multi-billion-dollar sports league knows jackshit about who might eventually be good at the game’s most vital position. And Dan Campbell? Holy balls, that’s a great story. Dude grew up about 40 minutes from where I grew up, and he just might be the best coach in the league; if not, he’s certainly on the short list. Awesome stuff, and I think he and his team cover this week.

Pittsburgh Steelers (+4.5) at Philadelphia Eagles

Another big time, late afternoon banger, this one an intrastate battle. I’m gonna watch this one mainly to see when in the second half Micah Parsons will show up on the Eagles’ sideline wearing a Randall Cunningham throwback. Steelers to cover, ‘cause as always: Fuck Philly.

Gambling Movie of the Week: Casino

It’s not really “about” gambling, but since most of the movie takes place in and around casinos and sportsbooks, “Casino” gets a nod here. This is simply one of the most stressful movies ever made, and it’s glorious. Maybe it’s because of the time in my life when I first watched it (summer of ’05, when my floundering baseball career and burgeoning addiction to about seven different substances were on course to collide in the most spectacularly fiery and self-destructive way imaginable), but few movies put me on edge like this one. And the story is just…sublime. As is Sharon Stone in her role as Ginger, the uber-hot, gold-digging, street-wise hustler with what has to be the world’s most dynamite box, as she’s as batshit crazy as she is dead sexy, yet Bob DeNiro’s Sam Rothstein keeps going back to the well.

That’s a wrap, kids. Have a great holiday season and, if you’re able, try to throw a few dollars in my canteen account; at least enough to cover the juice for a few bowl game bets. Take care, all.