DeeZ Picks Week 13

Gobble Gobble

Howdy, folks, its DZ Subscriber #3695 back with a post-Thanksgiving edition of “Vigorish Exercise,” a DeeZ Picks companion newsletter that doubles as cheap therapy for me. Today we’ll look at the latest batch of picks from our favorite league, look ahead to conference championship weekend in the NCAA, and I’ll recommend a gambling movie. No time to waste, though, as there are bargains to be had all around the web this week, so let’s get to it. BTW, if you’re looking for a Cyber Monday deal, “Brazzers Presents: Second Cousin Creampies” is offering 75% off a six-month subscription through Thursday if you use the promo code “Family Comes First.”

DeeZ Picks Week 13 Redux

Host Picks: Dan goes 5-0 and is above .500 for the first time since very early in the season; the bad news for him is that literally everyone above him in the standings was also perfect. However, the Mozart of Muff keeps pace, and still has a puncher’s chance at finishing on the DeeZ Picks medal stand…Blake goes 4-1 to climb out of the cellar and is only two games under .500. His Argyle Eagles are also still in the mix for a state championship and will play Todd Dodge and the Lucas Lovejoy Leopards this Friday night. If both teams win this week, Argyle will then play South Oak Cliff in the state semifinals next weekend, and that shit would be electric. I may need to put out some feelers for a DZ subscriber hangout sesh if it happens…In a week where the league goes a combined 30-5, Jake goes 1-4 and is firmly ensconced in last place heading into the stretch run. As in real life, it’s the Cowboys that are fucking Jake over, as Mr. Kemp is now just 2-10 in picking their games. Somehow, someway, that team’s gonna figure out how to shit all over every true ‘Boys fan out there.

Guest Picks: Our esteemed guest pickers go a combined 20-0 this week, which is insanely impressive. Akaash stays in first place, one game ahead of Jasmine and two games ahead of Sirois; Chappy is lurking in 4^th place, six games behind Akaash. It’s still anyone’s league, and the final few weeks should be a lot of fun…unless you’re Jake.

The Week Ahead

Cincinnati Bengals at Dallas Cowboys (+6)

The Dallas Football Cowboys franchise has, once again, done what it does best: suck me back into an obviously lost season, and give my soul the faintest flicker of hope. I’m closing in on 1000 days since I’ve used drugs or alcohol, but at times I’ve pondered the idea that I’m not quite 100% sober. The reason? I’m still a huge ‘Boys junkie, and this team has proved harder to quit than opiates, booze, and auto erotic asphyxiation combined. But fuck it, there’s still a chance this team miracles its way into the playoffs, so imma ride this bronc ‘til she bucks me: Give me the Cowboys to cover. Oh, and do please let me know where I can buy sturdy belts, in bulk, on the cheap. Turtlenecks, too.

Las Vegas Raiders at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (O/U 44.5)

This is one of those games that will either be 41-38 or 12-6. Normally I’d take the over here as it’s the contrarian play, but I watched Raiders vs. Chiefs last Friday, and Vegas QB Aidan O’Connell has him a little something. And by something, I mean perhaps the best candidate for entry into the White Trash Mustache Hall of Fame since Michael Cera’s juggernaut seven years ago. You take a guy with THAT mustache and put him in THAT state for a couple days…dude. Every Britneigh, Ashlynne, and McKenzie in the Sunshine State will get an insatiable urge to rail a couple lines of Adderall, buy every single Watermelon Smash BuzzBall at the nearest GoLo (basically the Allsup’s of the region), hop in their ’05 Mustang, and chain smoke unfiltered Camels all the way to Florida’s west coast. Even if Aidan stays faithful to the lovely Mrs. O’Connell, he’ll be so gassed dodging and ducking all the Amberlys and Chantels on Saturday that he won’t have anything left for Sunday, so I’m pounding the under. For Aidan’s sake, I’m also thankful this game is being played in Tampa. If Pensacola had an NFL franchise, there’s no way he’d make it out alive.

Carolina Panthers (+520 moneyline) at Philadelphia Eagles

Since I’m going against my instincts in LV at TB, I’ll offer up this pick to the contrarian gambling gods: Give me the Panthers to win outright this weekend. This is a smaller bet, maybe only half a unit, but the odds are too good to pass up. Plus, the Eagles have Pittsburgh, Washington, and Dallas coming up; this is a classic trap game. Is this pick a manifestation of my unkillable hatred of all things Philly? Probably. Is it better for the Cowboys’ Zig Zag thin playoff odds if the Eagles keep winning? Almost certainly. Is the thought of Nick Sirianni ugly crying for hours and destroying his just-completed Batcave Lego set after getting beat by Bryce Young at home hilarious enough to ignore all of that? 1000%.

Ohio Bobcats (+2.5) at Miami (OH) Redhawks (MAC Championship, Ford Field in Detroit)

I don’t have many rules in my life, but a hard and fast one is this: When a Dumb Zone host’s alma mater is playing in a conference championship game, I’m sure as shit gonna pick that game. The Bobcats are slight dogs here in the Battle of the Bricks Part II, but I like where head coach Tim Albin has his team right now. The ‘Hawks won the first meeting between these two in October, but that game took place at Miami’s home field, and look…I don’t care who you are, you’re not just going to stroll into Oxford, Ohio, and pick up an easy win. Everyone knows how tough it is to play at Yager Stadium, and unfortunately Ohio found itself down 30-6 at the end of the 3^rd quarter. However, the ‘Cats outscored Miami 14-0 in the 4^th quarter of that game, and have since won five straight by an average score of 37-11; the fact that most of those games were played on Wednesday is immaterial. A heater is a heater, and the school that educated Dan McDowell, Paul Newman, Logan Paul, and Arsenio Hall is definitely on one. Give me the Bobcats to cover, and be sure to save me a stool at the Cat’s Eye Saloon.

Clemson Tigers at SMU Mustangs (-2.5; ACC Championship, BOA Stadium in Charlotte)

Two years ago today, Sonny Dykes, in his first year as TCU head coach after leaving SMU, coached the Frogs in the Big XII Championship against Kansas State. TCU lost that game, but a couple weeks later beat Michigan in the playoffs, then played for the Natty. They got motorboated by Georgia, but the fact remains: TCU and Coach Dykes played in the final game of the season. At the time it would have been preposterous to predict that Sonny might have made a mistake leaving University Park, but now I’ll ask…did he? I don’t know. What I do know is that I have caught an advance case of Pony Fever, and have no interest nor trust in any of your “inoculations” or “science-based evidence,” or other any horseshit you wanna spew. I not only welcome this bout of PF I’ve caught, I also want to feel every bit of every symptom. What are the symptoms? For me they include an overwhelming urge to wear monochromatic oxford shirts, shorts so tight you can see scrotal definition, and whatever hairstyle was de rigueur at Ol’ Miss in 2017. I’m sure some of you disagree with my methods, but this is my decision, and you can’t stop me from making it. Can the ‘Stangs stop Dabo and his Tigers, though? I think so, so let’s take the Ponies and give the points. Good luck, fellas.

Marshall Thundering Herd at Louisiana Ragin’ Cajuns (-5.5; Sun Belt Championship in Lafayette, LA)

The Fun Belt? You’re goddamn right the Fun Belt. Marshall and U-LA-LA haven’t met this year, but they’ve clearly been the best two teams in the league and should put on a banger in Lafayette. Speaking of…you ever been to Lafayette? Or anywhere in south Louisiana? I dated a girl from down that way long ago, and bro. You may think you like to get fucked up, but you don’t got SHIT on them Bayou folk. I don’t care where you’re from, or what party school you went to, or how hard you go; you ain’t rated for this type of action. I visited the girl’s family for a few days about 20 years ago, and one night her dad wanted to take me to get crawfish. The place was an hour away, and since no self-respecting Arcadian is gonna go 60 consecutive minutes after 10AM without drinking, he loaded a giant cooler with ice and two cases of beer. For five people. For two hours of car time. To answer a few questions: yes, our bar tab that night was north of $300; no, I didn’t finish my allotted beers; yes, all 48 were finished before we got back to the house; yes, I got called a pussy several times, as well as a “punk ass Texan” by my girlfriend’s mother. The lesson: DO NOT TAKE THOSE PEOPLE LIGHTLY WHEN IT COMES TO BINGE DRINKING!!! THEY ARE OTHERWORLDLY!!! Give me the Cajuns to cover in this one, and to dominate the afterparty.

Georgia Bulldogs (+157 moneyline) at Texas Longhorns (SEC Championship, Mercedes-Benz Stadium in Atlanta)

I’ve established here that I’ve been a ‘Horns fan since I was a youngster, and thus gambling wise am taking the cowards’ way out for the SEC Championship: give me UGA and the moneyline for a win-win scenario no matter what happens. The odds are too good here ($500 to win $785 on the best program in the country the last few years), and Texas is almost certainly hosting a playoff game even if Georgia blows them out again, so yeah…I’m doing this. And I guarantee you I’m not the only one.

Gambling Movie of the Week: Let It Ride

“Let It Ride” was released in 1989 and takes place primarily at a horse racing track, which of course is one of the most magical places on earth. Across the board, exacta boxes, Pick Sixes, superfectas…I fucking love everything about going to the track and making wagers, and seeing this movie as a lad likely contributed to that. It’s got Richard Dreyfuss, Teri Garr, Cynthia Nixon, and, perhaps most importantly, late-’80s Jennifer Tilly, whose last name is clearly misspelled; it’s missing a couple of massive T’s.

That’s a wrap for this week, thanks for reading. Catch more of my drivel at my blog, and be sure to tune in to the Dumb Zone livestream of Cowboys vs. Bengals next Monday night.