DeeZ Picks Week 11

Will anybody pick the Cowboys? And how wrong will they be?

Ahoy, all, it’s DZ Subscriber #3695, back with the award-winning* DeeZ Picks companion newsletter, “Vigorish Exercise.” What you can expect today: a look at the DeeZ Picks results and standings; some spectacularly second-rate picks of my own; a gambling movie recommendation; and not a single goddamn reference to the rapidly spreading taint rash that is the Metroplex’s pro football concern. Enough foreplay, though, let’s make like a Lewisville PD cop and complete a bust…

*(I told my wife how much time I spend each week doing Dumb Zone stuff gratis and she said, “Awesome, I’m married to the dumbest motherfucker alive.”)

DeeZ Picks Week 11 Redux

Host Picks: Blake goes 2-3 and is officially in last place, as the revolving door to the DeeZ Picks basement keeps spinning for our transcendent troika of truthers. Blake once again nailed this week’s knockout pick as Matthew Stafford threw four touchdowns in the Rams’ 28-22 win over the Patriots, and he’s now 8-3 in those games. However, he’s 3-8 on Triple Play picks (9-24 with the 3X multiplier), and that’s…less than ideal. Here’s the deal though: there are 147 hours in a week, and Blake spends north of 300 of those working on Dumb Zone stuff. The man’s a machine. A ruggedly handsome, always on his grind, gentlemanly machine, and there isn’t nearly enough time for him to help keep U.S.S. DZ afloat, drive a combined 400 miles a week from his house to Dan’s, deal with the dumbass texts I send him (“Blake, what’s the difference between a JPEG and a JPG? BTW, I crashed Dumb Zone’s YouTube site again, LOL!”)  AND dominate his football picks. So just…maybe make your knockout pick your TP each week, Mr. Jones? I dunno, gambling’s hard…Jake goes 4-1 after the Falcons get absolutely rolled at Mile High. Totally serious question: Do NFL head coaches try to institute a marijuana policy when they play road games in Colorado/Washington/California/Arizona? Not because it’s bad, mmmkay, but more because of the potency of the product in those states, particularly in CO. If you’re using to smoking bowls or blunts of standard, run-of-the-mill, everyday weed, then get to Denver and pop a 25mg gummy called “HaHa, You’re Fucked Now, Bro,” I mean…that’s got to be a huge advantage for the Broncos, right? Not enough to overcome Jim Lombardi being your OC, but still…Dan, a/k/a The Great Gashby, had the green light for a 5-0 week, and is now two games up on Blake. Quick question for those that have previously attended a Dumb Zone livestream at Dan’s house: Did you take 20 pounds of cold-smoked salmon as a tribute to Mr. McDowell, or 40? Or should I just take all 60? Please advise; I don’t go to where other people live very often…

Guest Picks: Akaash goes 5-0. Again. Something something he’s awesome at everything…something something the wild success that is “Flagrant”…something something congratulations on being named 45/47’s ambassador to Bhutan…Chappy goes 4-1, and I guarantee you he picked the team that plays at Collins and Randol Mill because he put actual money on the Texans in real life. I’ve seen this movie, Greg…Jasmine goes 5-0 and is 16-4 over the last four weeks, and is all alone in second place. However, she doesn’t gain any ground on Akaash, and still sits five games back. Methinks this race could come down to the knockout picks, and being able to find a couple of late-season winners among teams that will be at the top of the ‘25 Draft…Sirois goes 2-3 and is just kinda running in place right now, akin to the value of his iHeart 401(k). He still has sole possession of third place, but he’s only two games up on Chappy in fourth, and seven games behind Akaash. 

The Week Ahead

Arizona Wildcats at Texas Christian University Horned Frogs (O/U 57.5)

I grew up about 20 miles from Amon Carter Stadium and was a HUGE Frog fan as a youngster, and me and my boys attended several TCU football games. One of those was Arizona’s 35-31 win in September of ‘99 when I was a senior in high school, a game that was an absolute banger. I distinctly recall three things about this contest: drinking several room temp Keystone Lights and vibing the fuck out to “Back that Azz Up” in the parking lot before the game; ‘Zona WR Dennis Northcutt being an uncoverable assassin (10 for 257 and three touchdowns, including the game-winner with about 30 seconds left); and LaDainian Tomlinson doing a bunch of future Hall of Famer shit a few weeks before his name was officially changed to LaDainian “Wait, Is He The Love Child Of Sammy Baugh and Davey O’Brien?” Tomlinson. I scoured the web for about 20 minutes hoping to find some video to link to from this game, but apparently it doesn’t exist. I swear, though, I remember leaving that game thinking Dennis Northcutt was about to be the next Jerry Rice; it was an insanely impressive performance by the soon-to-be Cleveland Brown. In honor of that game from 25 years ago, please permit me to bang the over here. Give ‘em hell, TCU.

Have a night, 8

Mississippi Rebels (-9) at Florida Gators

I’ll be hammering the Rebs to cover against a Gator squad that’s playing a ton of freshman and sophomores. And speaking of young Floridians, convicted felon/president-elect Donald Trump has announced that Matt Gaetz will serve as his first Attorney General. Trump also pegged Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., as Secretary of Health and Human Services. So…the AG will be a guy that has almost certainly abused teenage girls, and the Secretary of HHS will be a dipshit that believes wi-fi causes cancer and that AIDS may not be caused by HIV (those aren’t jokes, either, he has said both of those things out loud). I know those two appointments seem scary and detrimental to our country’s ability to function as a democracy, but it’ll all be worth it in a few months when a gallon of gas is like 12 cents cheaper than it is now.

“Cool. I like the crust cut off my sandwiches, too.”

Brigham Young Cougars at Arizona State Sun Devils (-170 moneyline)

What happens when one of the world’s foremost cults meets one of the world’s foremost party schools? An opportunity for you to get paid, that’s what. I’m banging the ASU moneyline, and I suggest you follow suit. Why? This game is a 1:30 PM local kick. Why does that matter? Tempe, brah. Have you ever been to Tempe? You literally can’t walk seven feet without seeing the hottest woman you’ve ever laid eyes on. It’s absolutely ridiculous how much high-quality leg populates that campus, and those LDS dudes will have no chance. You’re gonna take a group of hornt-up, repressed young men that are used to MAYBE a bi-weekly soak and put them in the same city as Kennedi the resort management major with 3% body fat, Savannah the future OnlyFans billionaire, and a few thousand other smokeshows that make Nancy Reagan’s neck game seem staid and genteel by comparison, then expect them not to partake? No way those fellas will be able to resist the siren song that is a Friday night in Tempe, and no way will they be ready to play a college football game early the next afternoon. Some things are immutable, folks, and the unrelenting power of ASU trim is one of them. Although, I must add: It’s still fuckin’ weird that this is a Big XII game.

Tempe two-and-a-halfs

Washington State Cougars at Oregon State Beavers (+13.5)

IT’S CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP WEEKEND IN THE PAC²!!! There are so many questions to consider with this one. Washington State has 43 juniors and seniors on its roster; will the Cougars’ age and extensive experience in matchups like this be enough for them to come out on top? There’s a 58% chance of rain in Corvallis Saturday; how much of an advantage will a moist, slick environment be for the Beavers? I’m in my mid-40s and a father of two; will I, at any point ever, be a grownup when it comes to these two teams? I dunno, let’s see: I’m taking OSU to cover, but am slightly concerned about a scandal involving shaved Beaver points.

Can the Cougs ride their way to victory?

Texas A&M Aggies at Auburn Tigers (+116 moneyline)

How Aggie would it be if TAMU lost at 4-6 Auburn the week before hosting Texas for the first time in over a decade, pissing away an opportunity at both the SEC Championship and the playoff in the process? It’s somewhere between Mike Sherman losing his first game as Aggie head football coach to Arkansas State in 2008, and baseball coach Jim Schlossnagle leaving for the ‘Horns like 12 minutes after representing A&M in the College World Series last June, right? Give me War Eagle for the outright win, and kindly ignore the blatantly transparent projecting I’m doing here in regard to UT’s Saturday afternoon clash with Kentucky.

To be fair, the ‘08 Red Wolves finished 4th in the Sun Belt

Gambling Movie of the Week: Owning Mahowny

Philip Seymour Hoffman at his sweaty, mustachioed best; Minnie Driver looking sexy as hell, despite being saddled with one of the worst wigs ever displayed on celluloid; the cosmic highs and rock-bottom lows of gambling; and the depths to which one will sink when caught in the eye of Hurricane Addiction. It’s all here, and it’s superb. “Owning Mahowny” is one of the best movies I’ve seen that truly captures the experience of being an active addict, along with “Beautiful Boy” and “Leaving Las Vegas,” and I can’t recommend it enough.

Another week is in the books, ladies and gentlemen. I’d like to thank all six of you for reading, and to remind you that more of my horseshit can be consumed at my blog.